Do you ever wonder what your cat (or other pet, you absolute heathen) would say about you if we shared a language? I think mine would say something along the lines of ‘she has too many things I can’t eat. I don’t know why I keep her around’ or ‘She’s fine, but she keeps making these potpourri things that make me sneeze and always manage to smell like fish poop’. I know it’s weird, but whenever I look at her with her eyes half-lidded, I wonder what the hell is she thinking. What would she tell me to do different? Would I regret my decision to understand her thoughts? (We have to be realistic here. Cats are assholes 97% of the time).

Thinking about talking cats brought me to a new subject, however random it may be. If we can’t speak to our cats, how do they understand us? I know we use body language in an attempt to tell them what to do(Come on people! Even I’m not that dumb!), but… that doesn’t really work on cats.

They’re selfish, manipulative little assholes who’ve got 9 lives instead of 10 and either cant understand or simply ignore verbal cues. I vote for the ignoring one. Seriously, have you seen my cat? Anyway, I’m getting distracted. The aim of this post was to teach you guys what I now know, as of 20 minutes ago. Shut up. At least I’m sharing my knowledge instead of keeping it harbored all to myself.

Firstly, when a cat half-closes their eyes (or completely if you’re lucky like me), it isn’t them being a lazy asshole (well, maybe it is, but for now let’s pretend it isn’t, okay? Ok.). Its them showing you they trust you. See, when they close their eyes they’re leaving themselves vulnerable to attacks. Actually between cats, the first one to close their eyes is the submissive one, because cats don’t need to blink to lubricate (haha) their eyes like we do, so them closing their eyes like that? It’s a big deal.

Next off, we have the tails. The one thing I have the constant urge to tug. It too is a non-verbal device to tell you (YES YOU!) how comfortable they are around you. If your cats tail is straight up, but not stiff, it means they’re relaxed and happy as fuck. If the tail is curved like a question mark (?) your cat is happy, yet unsure (Don’t worry, she’ll chill out in a sec.) If your cat’s tail is bristled or spiky, gtfo. Bitch is angry. The same goes with a tail that’s pointing out.

These, of course are just the basics. If you want to know more just follow this link (it has cool pictures too, so that’s fun.)