I know I’m a girl. I know I embody the very female essence that makes you want to curl my hair, my lashes and my toes, but please, for god’s sake, don’t touch me with your makeup. Its not that I don’t trust you (I don’t, but that’s not the reason), Its not that I don’t care about your feelings (I do) Its just that you’re going to do it wrong, and I know I’m going to feel like shit after you’ve touched me with those greasy stubby fingers of yours.

You’re going to look at my collection and sneer. Too much blush that hasn’t been touched. Too much clumpy mascara. Not enough brushes. Too many things for you to look at and think; wow. This girl really doesn’t know how to become feminine. Let me begin by saying that firstly, I like the blush that hasn’t been touched. Its something my grandma gave me before she carked it. Secondly, I keep the mascara because sometimes I completely forget what I’m doing, that I ever intended to throw it away, so by the next time I see it, its too late to throw it out and I have to use it. Thus, the vicious cycle continues. Plus, I like those mascara wands. They let me put on the perfect amount of mascara and thirdly, I only have three brushes for a reason. I don’t have any more money to spend on useless shit (I get my makeup done. What more do you want?) when I could be buying precious commodities like food. And books.

I know you do your precious makeup course (that you’re never going to use professionally- there goes 15,000 down the drain. But hey, that isn’t even your own money. That’s your parents.) but trust me, you’re going to fuck it up. I like my makeup light. I use exactly two dots of concealer under my dark eyes. I set it with a white eye shadow. I think It works better. I use glittery eye shadows that’re thin and semi-transparent, only covering the lid of my eye because I know some people don’t like makeup. They think its offensive. Of course, I don’t want to exclude these people. If I keep my eyes open, I can hide the powder from them. I can attempt to impress. If you do it, you’ll make it so dark it’ll match my soul and they can go to prom together.

Again, I only have three brushes (a big fluffy one, a blending brush and and angle brush) and I know you’ll use them for the complete opposite reasons I do. I don’t like harsh lines. I never wear blush because I’m constantly embarrassed it and hey, If I’ve naturally got it, I must be blessed, right? What’s the point of adding something you’ve already got in surplus?

Lastly, I know my skin is more sensitive than teeth on cold, cold ice cream, but your sensitivity to negative criticism? The most insane thing I’ve ever had to encounter in my entire little life. Believe you and me, I’m saying this for the good of our friendship.

Don’t touch my makeup