Today, I bought myself something silly. Can you guess what it was? Can you guess what colour it is? Are you sick of these Dora-the-explorer type questions yet? No? fuck you. I’m going to tell you anyway. I bought myself some lovely, florescent, extremely-painful to remove band aids. Today, I marched myself into the Reject Store (a completely different thing to a dollar store, I’m assured), walked into the beauty section and bought the most ridiculous thing I could find. It just happened to be this small, 50 pack of band aids for only $2. What a bargain. Wow. I’m amazed. Are you amazed? Because Jesus, I sure am.

The point of making this ridiculous purchase is not to make others happy, but primarily myself. With these band aids, I’ll enjoy looking at an (albeit small) section of my body. I’ll be able to look at myself and laugh at the girl in front of me for the first time in years. With these ridiculous band aids, I’ll have the ability, the power, to make my problems seem far off and outlandish, switching gears from the seemingly eternal turmoil of problems too big and bold to conquer with a nail file.

Not only do I now possess the ability to laugh at myself, but I have the power, the ability to make others laugh too. Now, I understand the importance of being able to distinguish between having someone laugh at you and having someone laugh with you, but to be honest, I simply don’t care anymore. Laughter sounds happy, therefore I’ve made someone happy. Job done. Give me my gold star please.

Not only do they make people laugh, but they also have a tantalizing habit of sparking conversation between strangers. Someone’ll see my hippo-bandage adorned skin and smile, sliding up to my side. They’ll give me a sidelong glance, to which I’ll smile and nod and from there, well, a conversation blooms. The topic doesn’t stay the same for long, and all the boring people are weeded out by the bandages themselves. Ta-da. Matchmaking made easy.

And last, but not least, my final point as to why you should by some stupid kiddy style bandages.

If someone manages to somehow, say, trip at uni (through no fault of mine, I assure you…), you now have bandages on-hand. The injured will have no other option, sans going bloody, to cover up their wound. I know, I’m a pessimist and a sadist with a wicked, sarcastic sense of humor. Sue me.

Anyway. After reading this, I hope I’ve convinced at least one of you to buy something ridiculous.

Go for it. Just tell me what you bought and maybe we could try it out together? Idk. That’s probs not quite your style.